Meltdown and get back up again.

I have taken a little break from writing my blog recently, a few weeks ago I had what is technically known as an emotional meltdown. It knocked my confidence and I've had to take stock of where I am with my recovery. I thought I’d share with you what happened and what I have learned from it.

I was out for the evening with my boyfriend, we went to see The Ladykillers at the theatre. I was feeling very good to begin with because I remembered that when the tickets were bought back in the Spring I had been extremely depressed and suicidal. I honestly didn't think I would make it through to see the play. I was very happy that I had come a long way from there and those awful dark days seem to be behind me (touch wood).

After the play (which was excellent) we went to the pub for a drink. I had been planning to go away the following weekend to accompany a friend to a wedding. My boyfriend started to ask me about my plans, and as soon as he did I started feeling very anxious. He didn't notice this at first and asked a few more questions. Soon anxiety turned to panic and I started to cry. It is difficult to remember exactly what happens in the mind during an emotional crisis but I will do my best to explain it. I seemed to have some kind of emotional flashback, to when I was very small. As a child my older siblings bullied me badly and I only felt safe with my mum, I was extremely clingy. Scream-the-house-down-if-she-went-upstairs clingy. Suddenly, sat in a busy pub on a Friday night, I felt the exact same sense of panic I felt when I couldn't be with my mum, when I felt so unsafe and vulnerable, when those feelings were so strong that they overwhelmed me and my whole life revolved around trying not to feel that way. To not be separated from my Mum. I could even see my parents in my mind's eye, looking up at them from a child’s point of view trying to get their attention.

I have been aware for a long time that when I got into my teens I transferred that addictive attachment I felt for my mum onto pretty much any boy that showed an interest in me. Feeling wanted emotionally and sexually soothed my intense need to be safe. It eased that terrible emptiness inside. I still have the same attachment issues now although I make wiser choices about who I ‘attach’ to. I have learned to cope with boyfriends going away and leaving me for a little while, but it seems I have not come to terms with voluntarily leaving them. The thought of choosing to leave my beloved when I could be spending time with him sends me into a panic.

The trouble is, on this night the panic didn't end there. It seemed to induce the good old BPD black and white thinking and catastrophising to maximum effect. Suddenly my entire life was pointless, I was only kidding myself that I was recovering, I was a mess. The friendships that I’d started to make on Twitter were just my attempt at gaining the popularity and approval I never got at school. My blog was a nonsense, arrogant nonsense. I had no right to try and help anyone.

By the time all these thoughts had gone through my head my boyfriend had bundled me into a taxi and got me home. I sat and cried like a child on the sofa and then took a sleeping pill and crawled into bed. At some point I also deleted my most recent blog post and would have deleted the whole thing if I could have figured out how to. The next day I couldn't face my new view of the world, everything was completely broken and wrong and I couldn't cope. I took sleeping pills to keep me unconscious all day.

But now I am back to feeling as well as I did before the meltdown, in fact better. After my Saturday in bed I started to think over the dreadful conclusions I had come to that night. I decided that I didn't have to go to the wedding because it was important to take care of myself, although I did feel guilty for letting my friend down. I realised that I am seeking approval on Twitter but that is ok, it is a basic emotional need to feel accepted and valued by others and I have lacked that to a large degree in my life until now. I accepted the fact that I am highly sensitive, and have a damaged inner child who needs care and understanding (as well as boundaries where appropriate). I considered that in order to write a blog that might be useful to others with BPD it has to reflect the whole experience of recovery, it isn't a straight path and there are a lot of obstacles on the way but you have to keep looking forward. This isn't the first time I've stumbled and it won’t be the last, but each time I pick myself up, learn something from it and move on feeling stronger. We can do this!

What made me this way

I thought a good place to start would be with my story so far, an analysis of how I've become the person I am today. As I mentioned in my previous post, I have spent a lot of time reading and writing in an attempt to figure out why I am the way I am so I can fix it - I'm a natural problem solver. I'm hoping that by writing a full explanation of why I have developed Borderline Personality Disorder it may help others recognise similar patterns in their own life, either that or just bore them to sleep.. 

It is clear that I was born with a very sensitive personality type ('The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Survive and Thrive When the World Overwhelms You' by Elaine N. Aron was particularly helpful in my understanding of this, I shall write more about the book at a later date). It takes very little to upset me and I find my emotions overwhelming and difficult to tolerate at times. I had three older siblings who didn't take too kindly to my arrival and who took every opportunity to bully and torment me that they could. I clung to my mother because she showed me abundant love and affection but my mother’s own neuroses bled into the relationship, most importantly her unbalanced view of love being based on self-sacrifice and her constant sense that something is about to go wrong at any moment. 

I had a good relationship with my dad whose open-minded and analytical approach to life encouraged my own natural leaning in that direction, however my dad came from a generation typically afraid of the expression of emotion and my temperament often met with dissaproval. My mum’s ‘no nonsense, common sense’ approach also rubbed off on me, however, her reliance on her role as mother lead to her unconsciously encouraging my clingy, needy dependence upon her, in psychological terms this is known as an 'insecure attachment' (see Bowbly's attachment theory) and is a crucial factor in the development of insecure personality types. I felt so bereft and vulnerable without the constant presence of my mother that I screamed hysterically if she even went upstairs without me.

Going to nursery and school was, frankly, traumatic for me. My very apparent sense of vulnerability made me an easy target for bullies, further reinforcing my unhealthy attachment to my mother. In one sense I only felt safe when I was with my mum – no-one could bully me then and I felt soothed by her affection, on the other hand, I unconsciously picked up from her a strong sense of impermanence, of impending catastrophe that left me feeling even more insecure and vulnerable. 

My parents did not understand my highly emotional outbursts and often told me that I shouldn't feel and react the way that I did, I was subject to 'tough love' which only had the effect of invalidating my experience, I felt that it was wrong to be me, to feel what I felt. 

To cope with this lack of security I contrived mechanisms which allowed me to ‘read’ people and adjust my behaviour in order to minimise the possibility of them rejecting me and leaving me alone and unloved. Essentially I never felt secure enough to be myself around anyone else. Due to my strong, analytical and over-active cognition I even developed fantasy scenarios that all kinds of people could see and hear what I was doing even when I was on my own, so I didn't even learn to be myself when I was alone. I also developed the habit of constantly conversing with people in my mind, second-guessing their reactions to my thoughts. I developed these behaviours as a very young child in order to protect myself from the universal fear of abandonment and rejection. Being a very young child I was unable to create strategies that effectively addressed the issues I was having. Inadvertently the part of me consumed by fear compounded the damage already done. I never felt safe, I felt uncomfortable around people and not even comfortable on my own. I withdrew; I was constantly under the influence of my mother’s negativity. I became depressed. 

Being cursed with more than my fair share of intelligence I started developing ideas about the world; I thought about all manner of things and began to form strong opinions and beliefs. Unfortunately, my rational way of seeing the world clashed rather dramatically with my emotionally immature way of coping with life’s perceived dangers. Instead of trying to reconcile the two I continued with my old strategy – deny myself, deny what I feel. I wanted to be what I was not so I told myself that I was. In essence, I developed a very strong personality but it had no firm foundations to rest on. My sense of self was dangerously fragile and evanescent. 

Inevitably, when I started having romantic relationships I transferred the unhealthy attachment from my mother to my new significant other however, I knew if I acted on my clingy, insecure impulses I would become unattractive so I played the game of emotional stability that I didn't feel. I was alone, conflicted and tormented inside and hated myself for it. I chose partners who were unsuitable for me because I was grateful to be loved and wanted – I equated sex with acceptance. I would continue to cling to men I would have been better off without because of my fear of abandonment.

This is a simplified explanation of how I developed as I did into adolescence, how my personality was constructed. A lot of my blog will be about how I am trying to undo the complex knots that I have tangled myself up in. How I can finally be at peace with myself and live a happy, balanced life. I very much hope that my insights and attempt at recovery will be useful to those with similar experiences to myself.