I have given a lot of thought as to whether or not to start
writing a blog about my mental health problems and recovery. Unfortunately, I
have a habit of starting projects, being very enthusiastic for a while and then
losing interest. This lack of consistency has a negative effect on my
self-esteem as I end up feeling like a failure. Of course, if I use that as a
reason not to do something then I don't stand a chance of achieving anything. I
find that when I write I understand more about myself and I gain a sense
of fulfilment which is very important to
me. I have kept a journal for twenty-two years which has been an essential tool
in my recovery process but that is a private activity, writing for an audience
is a very different matter. By sharing my story I hope to learn more about myself but also to
hopefully help other people experiencing similar problems, even if it just makes someone feel less alone.
For as long as I can remember I have experienced periods of
depression and anxiety. When I was a child I didn't have the understanding or
vocabulary to ask for help although I can distinctly remember how awful it
felt. I was first diagnosed with
depression when I was fifteen (after my second overdose) and have since
seen numerous psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists and community psychiatric nurses (CPN's). Of course, I have
also been prescribed many different anti-depressants and other psychiatric drugs. A few years ago I was diagnosed with
Bipolar Disorder and treated for that, however this year my diagnosis has been
changed to Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and I'm now undertaking
Mentalisation Based Therapy (MBT) with a therapist on a one to one basis.
One of my natural abilities is problem solving, I'm a very
analytical person. Over the years when I have felt bad, my instinct has been to understand the root cause of the
problem and to learn more about it. I want to fix myself. As I mentioned earlier, I have kept a journal since I was
fourteen which has been crucial to this process (if somewhat embarrassing to
read back at times). I have also read
widely on the subject of psychology and self-help which has provided a great
deal of insight. Talking to friends and partners has also been incredibly
useful (for me more than them, I suspect). I am now at the point where I have
constructed a fairly comprehensive understanding of my psychological make-up -
I know why I am the way I am. To me, this is the first step towards recovery.
Now that I know myself I am working on trying to accept who I am - there may be
some things I want to change but I am focusing on accepting who I am in the
here and now, trying to eradicate the feelings of shame, inadequacy and
helplessness that have prevented me from being happy in the past. I would like
to share this journey with others, it would be very rewarding to get feedback
from anyone who is interested in these issues, all are welcome!
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